OPUS DOCTOR with Dr Pepper #1

Have an embarrassing health problem? Dr. Pepper will answer all your questions in a public and humiliating fashion!*

*Dr Pepper claims no responsibility for minor burns, unwanted pregnancies or nervous breakdowns caused by his advice.

Dear Doctor,
My boyfriend and I were flying a kite on a marvelous sunny day in the park to celebrate our mutual love of cardigans. He licked his finger in order to ascertain which way the wind was blowing, and I’m afraid to say I ran straight into him, and his finger became lodged in my eye for a good half a second. Does this mean I’m pregnant, and can you recommend a good retailer of baby cardigans?

From Winky Magee.

Dear Winky,

You have indeed become impregnated (or impregnato as they say in Italy)! Congratulations! However, if this is an unwanted pregnancy, there is a simple reversal progress, known as unimpregnato. Your boyfriend simply needs to apologise, then headbutt you gently in the wrist. If you are still unsure of the process, this procedure was once featured in an episode of Charmed (watch out for a cameo by David Spade as the kite!)

The Doctor.

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Dear Doctor,

Every time I take a step I hear a clicking noise, followed by quite a loud pop and then a painful burning sensation in my hips. What could this be?

From Limpy Magee.

Dear Limpy,

You have a gun tied to your shoe.

The Doctor.

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Dear Doctor,

I have an extremely severe case of hemorrhoids. I’m so embarrassed about it that I can’t even go to my own doctor about it, and even my girlfriend doesn’t know! Is there a way I can treat them privately?

From Anonymous Magee.

Dear Kyle,

Hey man! I still have that CD I borrowed from you so…yeah come and pick that up whenever. So…how have you been? Aside from the piles, I mean. That’s gross. Anyway…I haven’t seen you in ages! Is your number still 0422644895? Say hi to your dad for me, good old Mr. Travers. I guess I might see you in Stats this year…I’ll bring you a cushion. Hahaha.

The Doctor.